Hallucinations
by Padawan Jess Kenobi
Summary: Another one of those fics I wrote on a sugar high. Well, as the title states, Obi-Wan hallucinates by means of candy, and he and Qui insult Yoda...


Author: Padawan Jess Kenobi

Title: Hallucinations

Summary: In response to a challenge fic in which the boys had to eat something that would make them hallucinate. Quite stupid, but hopefully its slightly amusing. G rating

Disclaimer: Oy, nothing in this story belongs to me, except for the insanity that comes out of it. And really, if I owned Star Wars… Obi-Wan would be mine… as would Ewan McGregor…

Obi-Wan was grudgingly walking to his room, when his Master called him over. "Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, "do you think you could an errand for me in the city? I am out of that tea that I really like and I was wondering if you would go get it for me."

Obi-Wan craned his neck so he could properly look at his tall Master, "But Master, I was just about to go do my homewo-" A sudden thought struck him. If he did his Master's little errand, then that would put off his homework for a while. He had tons of astromath homework that he would rather not deal with at the moment, "I mean, I will be delighted to go to the city Master! Anything for my much-loved wonderful Master!" He called off as he skipped into the other room to grab his robe.

Qui-Gon shook his head, and when Obi-Wan came back, he deposited a few extra credits into the outstretched hand, thinking that that was the reason for his padawan's unexplainable merriment.

Obi-Wan took the credits and shoved them into his pocket, feeling pretty happy at that moment. He called out a goodbye, and rushed out the door, slamming it unintentionally behind him. 

Qui-Gon rolled his eyes, _Teenagers_, he thought to himself. He then turned to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator unit. "I wonder if that little termite I live with has left any food at all in this place," Qui-Gon muttered to himself, referring to how Obi-Wan had the tendency to eat a rather large amount of food in an abnormally small period of time. "If I know Obi-Wan, then he will buy some food with that extra money I gave him." Qui-Gon was talking to himself as he pulled out a couple vegetables from the near- empty refrigerator unit. "Just as I suspected," he mumbled to himself, "he left all the semi-healthy food, and ate all the junk food." He took a seat on the couch and pulled out his favorite datapad. He munched on the carrot, and started to read.

Obi-Wan strolled through the halls off the Jedi Temple, feeling proud that his Master trusted him to go to the city alone. And he was also pretty happy that he was able to procrastinate on his homework. He exited the Temple, and called over an air taxi.

Obi-Wan looked out of the rather large window, and into the sky of Coruscant. It was a bright sunny day, and rays of light bathed the city below. The taxi came to a stop in front of a store. He had been there so many times with his Master, he could have gotten there with his eyes closed. The shop was called "Rogeerto's Shop for Tea and More."

Obi-Wan paid the driver, careful to leave an adequate tip. He got out of the air taxi and began to walk toward the shop. He noticed a couple Twile'k females stop to look and giggle at him. He winked at them, laughing softly as one fell off the bike she was riding.

He pushed open the door, hearing the primitive bell on top of the door chime, announcing someone was entering the shop. Obi-Wan was immediately surrounded by a chubby human man, presumably the owner of the store. He seemed to bounce around the young padawan, who was feeling quite dizzy at the moment. 

"Why hello, my young Boy!" The man called out in a thick voice. "What can I do to help you?" He moved around a little bit more, bouncing around the young padawan. Obi-Wan's sea blue eyes followed the movements involuntarily. 

Soon he could not take it anymore, and roughly put a hand on the man's porky shoulder. "Stop it!" He commanded loudly, holding the man down. "I can find what I need by myself, thank you."

He scurried away into the tea section, not feeling so jovial anymore. "Just find the tea, buy something for yourself, and go." He muttered through clenched teeth. He scanned the shelves until he came across the correct tea his Master was looking for. "Extra Herb Revolutionary Lemon-Raspberry Tea" Obi-Wan made a face, he hated this stuff, and couldn't see why his Master liked it so much.

Holding the tea package in one hand, he set out around the store to look for something cheap he could buy for himself. He had been looking for a while, when all of a sudden, a colorful package caught his eye. He picked it up and read the label out loud to himself. "All Famous Dr. Sheget's Candy From Far Corners of the Galaxy."

Obi-Wan read some of the ingredients, his mouth watering slightly. He took the candy box with him, and dumped it, along with the tea, onto the register. To his relief, the fat man was not at the register, but instead a fat bith. The Bith took a look at the candy box, and let out a loud laugh, stuffing it into the bag along with the tea. "Have a…a. fun day, boy!" he chortled. Obi-Wan gave him a strange look, and hurried out of the store, glad to be leaving the people behind.

When he was outside in the fresh air, he took out the brightly wrapped candy box, and opened it. An assortment of sweets stood out and tempted Obi-Wan. He took a brown one, and assuming it was chocolate, stuck it into his mouth. A sugary sensation filled Obi-Wan, but nothing more at the moment. He stuck a purple candy in his mouth, and then a green one. In the span of a couple minutes, he was starting to feel dizzy. But not bad dizzy; good dizzy.

Obi-Wan looked over his left shoulder, and saw two young boys playing with branches, having a sword fight. He stopped to watch for a minute, interested in the play. The boy with blonde hair jabbed the younger looking boy, who had dark black hair. The dark haired boy fell to the ground, pretending to be dead.

Obi-Wan covered his mouth in shock, and wasn't able to move for a couple seconds. He then took his hand away from his mouth and gave out a loud scream. His mind provided him with imaginary scenes, such as the dark haired boy was dripping blood. "Oh my god!" he yelled, pointing to the blonde-haired boy accusingly, "You killed Kenny!"

The older boy looked at him in confusion, "First of all, I didn't kill him, we're just playin'. And second of all, his name isn't Kenny, its Raa'ef." The blonde boy pointed his stick at Obi-Wan, just to emphasize his point.

With the images his mind was providing him, Obi-Wan saw a red laser coming out of the branch. He clutched his chest, and fell to the ground dramatically, as if he was shot. 

Raa'ef and the blonde haired kid stared at him in surprise. They saw Obi-Wan wasn't getting up, and they slowly walked away, whistling innocently. Obi-Wan opened his eyes, and saw a man standing over him. "Are you alright, son?" He asked, helping Obi-Wan up.

Obi-Wan, now on his feet, looked down at his chest. The "blaster wound" was gone. He fell onto his knees and kissed the ground, then looked up to the skies. "Thank the Force! I'm alive! I must go tell my wife that I'm not dead!" He got up, a stupid grin on his face, and looked at the man, tears forming in his eyes.

"Thank you, my good fellow. You have saved my life. I am forever in your debt." Obi-Wan then skipped off singing joyfully… straight into the wall of a barbershop. 

  
"Pardon me _Monsieur_," Obi-Wan said as he rubbed his now bruised head, and then walked off in the opposite direction. He looked at his wrist, and made himself see a chronowatch. "Egad!" He exclaimed loudly, hitting himself on his reddened head dramatically. "Quiggy-Wiggy is going to kill me if I don't get home soon!"

He called over an air taxi, and hopped in. The driver was the same one that had escorted him before, do Obi-Wan tapped him on the shoulder. "So, this is what you do for a living?"

The man looked back, "Well, this is my secondary job. I need to support my wife. We are having a new child soon, and I'm working on two jobs to get the money."

Obi-Wan leaned back in the furnished seat, "Ah, I see. And how is your wife taking your pregnancy?"

The driver's voice came confused for a moment; "she is taking her pregnancy well, and is very happy."  
  
Obi-Wan waved his hand around in the air as if pushing the statement aside. "Ah yes, my dear man, I'm sure she would take it fine. But how is she taking _your_ pregnancy? It must be quite a shock, eh old chap?"  
  
The man turned his head around sharply, but then remembered he was the one driving, and turned back around. "Er, sir, I'm not pregnant. I am a man, sir."

Obi-Wan barely moved from his position, "Well, you look pregnant! Look at that stomach, it's the size of Naboo!"

The driver looked down at his flat, extremely skinny form. "Sir, I am not fat."

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow and took another look at the man's stomach. "No, you're right, you are not, and one day banthas will run around joyfully singing and proposing wedding rings to mynocks.

The driver kept quiet, until they had reached the Jedi Temple. Obi-Wan handed him some paper, but it was not Republic Credits. "Sir," the driver said, starting to get upset, "this is not money."

Obi-Wan got out of the taxi, but then stuck his head through the open window. "Sure, sure, old chap, first you tell me you're not pregnant, then you're not fat, and now you are accusing me of lying and giving you fake money! I am appalled my good man. Good day." He drew his head back, managing to hit his skull on the top of the vehicle.

Obi-Wan set of at a leisurely pace, and took out the box of candies from a spot on his belt. He picked out a yellow colored one, and popped it into his mouth, savoring the rich, yet strange taste. His boot his something on the ground and Obi-Wan bent down to look at it… and promptly let out a piercing scream. He pointed at the object in horror. 

Soon, the Coruscant Police had rushed over to the young Jedi, who was still pointing, frozen, at the object. "What's the matter, son?" a skinny, elderly man asked.

"S…sn…snake! Snake! Snake!" Obi-Wan jumped up in terror.

The Police Officer bent down to examine the "snake." "Son, that's just a piece of string!" Obi-Wan let out another cry, which pierced the air loudly.

"That's not a piece of string! It's a s…sn…snake! Snake! Snake!"

The Officer rubbed his forehead, feeling a strong migraine coming on. "I repeat, it is just a piece of string, nothing to worry about."

"I am a Jedi, and I demand that you disintegrate that snake! Now!"

"…Son." The Police Officer argued. What kind of a nutcase was this Jedi?

"First of all, I am not your son, second of all, destroy that sithly snake before it spreads its reign of insurmountable terror all over Coruscant!"

The Officer had decided to give up on arguing. "How do you propose I destroy this, 'snake'?"

"Blast it. Blast it, please!" Obi-Wan let out a yelp, and all the people that were crowded around him backed away a little.

The Officer groaned, and took out his blaster. He turned it on low, and aimed it towards the 'snake.' A red beam came out of the front of the weapon, and the string now lay in a black, charred appearance.

Obi-Wan let out a woop, and jumped up in excitement. "Thank you! What is your name, my good, good man?"

"Officer Mikkoplee, son."

"Thank you Officer Mikokpele-" he said, completely messing up the Officer's name, but then Obi-Wan cut himself off, and looked terrifyingly at his braid on his head. "Oh. My. Force. There- the… the snake… on my head. GET IT OFF!" He put his hand to his braid, and made a show of trying to remove it from his head, by pulling it. He sunk to the ground in pain. "Get it off! Get it off!"

The Officer tried to pry Obi-Wan's hand away from his braid, but the boy was too strong. "That's your braid son! Leave it alone!"

But Obi-Wan wasn't listening, and was still wrestling with his braid. "You son of a bantha, snake! Get your sithly grip off my head!" Then with the other hand, he reached for his lightsaber, and started to laugh maniacally.

The Officer's eyes grew wide. "Son! Put that weapon down right now!" He tried to pull it away from Obi-Wan, but it was too late. The severed 'snake' lay in the boy's hands. He disgustingly threw it on the ground, and sneered at it. He turned to the Officer. "Good day," was all Obi-Wan said, then he took off once again for the Temple, popping another candy into his mouth.

Obi-Wan now walked through the corridors of the Temple, taking a couple minutes to stop and stare at all the Knights. He finally found himself outside the doors to his quarters. He entered the door code, and strode casually into the room. Qui-Gon heard him enter, and stood up from his position on the couch, and eyed his padawan.

There was something… different about him. Something Qui-Gon couldn't quite put his finger on. He looked at Obi-Wan's face. He looked the same, yet his face had a somewhat… drunken look to it. Qui-Gon's couldn't contemplate this much further, as it was at that moment that Obi-Wan ran across the room and gave him a huge hug. "Quiggy-Qiggy!" Obi-Wan exclaimed loudly, squeezing all the air out of his Master's lungs.

Qui-Gon mouth dropped open slightly. Quiggy-Wiggy? What was wrong with Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan sank onto the floor, craning his head up dramatically. "You're so tall, Quiggy! I may need a ladder to look at you!" he then moved his head even further backwards, and promptly fell over. Qui-Gon leaned down and picked up his apprentice.

"What's wrong, Obi-Wan? What did you have? What did you drink?" 

Obi-Wan giggled loudly, and started playing with Qui-Gon's long brown hair. "I almost got attacked by a snake today. A snake was on my head, on the ground. Wanna candy?" 

Qui-Gon's face remained impassive. "No. I want to know if you are drunk or not, and what happened." What was wrong with his apprentice? Qui-Gon wondered. Obi-Wan had never been like this, yet Qui-Gon trusted him enough that he found it hard to believe Obi-Wan may have been drunk "And since when did you have an accent like that?"

But Obi-Wan only giggled, and slapped Qui-Gon across the face, muttering "bad girl." "I tell y'all what happen, after ya eat da candy, mah dawg." And he pulled out the brightly decorated box, and held it out to his Master.

__

'Mah dawg?' He must be worse off than I had originally thought**.** But Qui-Gon took the candy, and put one in his mouth. It seemed eating it would be the only way that Obi-Wan would tell him what happened. His head started to spin a little, and his mind felt different. But it was wonderful! What was his question before? Qui-Gon giggled, who cared? He helped Obi-Wan up. "You alright, Obi-Wobi?"

"I'm good. Peace." Obi-Wan looked up at his Master's head, and screamed once again. "Snakes! On your head! On your head!" 

Qui-Gon held a piece of his hair in front of him, and also let out a shriek. "Get it off, get it off!"   
  
Obi-Wan took out his lightsaber. "Now, hold still…" and he disgustingly held his Master hair in one hand. He swung the lightsaber around, and about five inches of hair fell off Qui-Gon's head onto the floor. Qui-Gon hugged his padawan, and stroked his head. "Good paddywan, you saved your Master's life. Good pad-paddy-wan."

The doorbell rung loudly, and Obi-Wan slithered across the floor to open the door. Master Yoda stood at the doorway, looking solemn as always. Obi-Wan let out a shrill laugh. "Green trolly had no pants on! No clothes… green troll looks like Yaddle, only more balder-er. Short stubby legs, ewwwww, green ears, shake that booty, trolly!" 

Master Yoda's eyes opened widely in shock. "What saying are you, Padawan Kenobi?"   
  
Obi-Wan fell face first onto the floor, laughing insanely. "You talk funny. Quiggy-Wiggy, look who has come to visit us. Talks funny he does. Big ears he has. THE DEVIL HE IS!" Obi-Wan stopped laughing, and scooted backwards across the floor, trying to put distance between himself and Yoda, who was looking very astonished at the moment. 

Qui-Gon showed up at the door. He seemed to have changed into a floral shirt, and was wearing bright orange shorts, and dark sunglasses covered his eyes. He wobbled over to Master Yoda, and fell at his feet. He made the universal, "I am not worthy" motions in front of Yoda. He began to hum a sort of rap tune, and continued to bow.

"Hey Mister Yoda Soda Roda Caboda- Yoda! It's my man, who has a green tan. I saw you at that club last night," Qui-Gon winked, delusional, "You were getting it on with that Yaddle chick I saw you's, you's were getting down and jiggy. You were the man! Did you score, my man?" He poked Yoda, and winked again.

Master Yoda wore a horrified expression on his face. "Master Qui-Gon Jinn! Go out to nightclubs, I do not! Neither you should be! Unacceptable behavior for a Jedi this is!"

Obi-Wan suddenly appeared in front of him, still wiggling around on the floor. "My man. We've been through so much today! I've been through so much, I mean. First off, I got shot. But this nice man saved my life. Though I never go tot tell my wife I was alive. I'm sure she is worrying about me right now. But that's all right. I got Quiggy-Wiggy here, who is like a mother to me. Who needs a wife when my Master is like my mother! Second, I meet this pregnant man. He told me he wasn't fat. I'm like, yea right! _Ja_, right. His stomach was like the size of Naboo! He could've eaten the whole bloody planet if he wanted to. He looked like he had eaten the whole bloody planet, actually. And then, there was a snake on the ground. I got an officer to shoot it before it would eat the whole bloody planet. But I'm sure if the bugger ate the planet; it wouldn't be able to fit the fat driver into his stomach. Did I mention that the driver looked like he had already eaten the planet? And then I had a snake on my head. But I cut it off. Bye bye you huge bugger, you. And then I skipped home. And now, there is a troll maniac on front of me. He's got the stumpiest legs, and he looks like Satan. Or maybe it was Santa? If you put on a red suit and a beard, than you could look like a green Santa. I'm sure the taxi driver would let you borrow some of his fat, so you're good on that. Although you aren't to skinny yourself, you could lose some weig-" All of a sudden Obi-Wan stopped talking and was knocked unconscious.

Master Yoda stood tense, and he had his gimer stick poised above his head. "Only way to shut you up, that was." 

Qui-Gon was standing still, but was talking into his hand like it was a walkie-talkie. "Echo-base one, Quiggy Leader here. Green Obstruction has eliminated Paddy. Green Obstruction must be obstructed. He is obstructing out mission. I repeat- Green Obstruction is obstructing our mission, he must be obstructed. I will now attempt to eliminate Green Obstruction." Master Yoda stood very still, knowing that it was best not to make any sudden movements. Qui-Gon was obviously not himself, and he might be dangerous.

Qui-Gon took a deep breath, and started his method of eliminating "Green Obstruction". "On top of Old Smokey, all covered in green, Master Yaddle, has been obscene. Yoda has no pants on, oh whopdedoo, he likes a snog fest with the chick in green." His tone changed to a different song, "Can he paint with all the colors of the wind? Can you paint with all the colors of the wind? How high can a Master get, before he faints from it, you'll never know. My lightsaber and my comlinks are my brothers, the Council and snakes are my enemy! But we're all connecting to each other, but happily, not literally. Oh how high can a Master get, before he faints from it? If you get him drunk, then you'll never know!"

Once again, the gimer stick made its descent onto the Master, and Qui-Gon lay in an unconscious pile on the floor. "Torture that was. Drunk you really are. Afraid I am, but committed you two should be." Master Yoda then took out his comlink, and called the Healers. "Take care of you, they will. When healed from whatever made you hallucinate, kill you I will." 

Obi-Wan woke up a couple hours later on an uncomfortably hard bed. He groaned and sat up, pain shooting throughout his head. "Owwwww," he moaned to himself. He looked over and saw his Master laying on the bed next to his. Qui-Gon woke up suddenly at hearing his padawan groan in pain. 

Qui-Gon rubbed his own sore head, "do you know what happened, padawan?" he asked, looking around the Med Center.

"No, Master. I haven't the faintest idea." 

It was just then that a Healer entered the room. He gave a large smile, and tried to hold in her laughing. "I see you two are awake."

"What happened?" Qui-Gon asked, still dizzy from before.

Her smile grew even larger. "You two were hallucinating. We found a candy that you and your padawan both ate. It has an ingredient that makes you hallucinate. But you are cured now, and we will allow you to go back home soon. Master Yoda isn't very pleased with you two." She laughed and left the room.

"Hallucinating?" Obi-Wan said as he cocked his head. "Wonderful, who knew the things we could have said?" He put his head into his hands and groaned. 

Qui-Gon followed his padawan's example by groaning also. He looked out the door, and saw the strangest thing. Master Yoda and Yaddle were chasing after each other. And they were both wearing Neon yellow beach shirts, and yelling "Come back Doggie!" Master and Padawan both shook their heads in confusion and amazement. 

Another Healer popped her head through the door, and was grinning like a loon. "An officer has dropped off a package for you, Obi-Wan." She lay a parcel down on the table. Obi-Wan smiled back, "Thank you. I'll get it later."

Qui-Gon looked at this padawan, a question suddenly popping through his mind, "Obi-Wan, did you get that tea I asked for?"

"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan then put his hand under his ear, where his braid used to be, to give it a little twirl, a bad habit he had lately. When his hand encountered nothing, he let out a shout. "WHERE IN THE BLOODY HELL IS MY BRAID?" 


End file.
